UNIFORMS

by Meredith Linden

Long, long ago when we could wear whatever we wanted to school, I decided I would much rather wear the keen plaid skirts, pressed shirts, and Maryjane shoes of my contemporaries who went to private school. Back then, yeah we’re talking ages ago, most private schools were parochial.  Never mind that I was not religious in the least, much less Catholic.  I envied the uniform as well as my friends going to CCD (Confraternity of Catholic Doctrine).

What is it about uniforms?  There’s the proverbial joke about loving a man in uniform or going for the nurses in their white caps and starched white dresses (now they just wear scrubs).  Oh, how pure.  Just imagine hundreds of hospital employees divided into their appropriate caste by uniform, standing out on the lawn for a picture.  How clean, how precise, how conforming.

When my kids started school, the school uniform had been adopted by public schools to cut down on inappropriate clothing in general, and gang clothing specifically.  I loved it.  Shopping was so easy; we had to buy very few non-uniform outfits.  And in the poorer registers of town in which I worked, we had much fewer problems with people paying attention to clothing. Problem solved.

What in the world does this have to do with baseball?  Well, of course, a team would NOT be a team without a uniform.  As I mentioned in a recent post, I was halted in my tracks as I passed a university team practicing in their uniforms.  Oh yeah, it was baseball, by the way.  I was struck, and struck that I was struck, star-gazed-like, by the men/boys in uniform.  A little flip was had by my stomach.  Well, that was an interesting surprise.  I have never really had such a visceral reaction to a sports uniform, or any uniform, before, especially on men.

But there you have it.  They were neat little packages of athletics. The pants come in nicely at the waist, different for a guy, even if the pants do have those weird type of belt loops.  But that’s the only thing I could find I didn’t like.  I remember wearing jersey-style rock shirts from concerts, all designed on the baseball theme.  They need room for their arms to swing the bat and catch fly balls, so their shirts have bigger sleeves, but their mostly broad shoulders account for the difference.  You really get to see the man in a baseball uniform. That might sound funny coming from me, as I’m not a man’s woman. But I know attractive when I see it.

When comparing football, basketball, soccer, and baseball (and even rugby) uniforms, my vote is for the baseball uniform.  Football players wear theirs purely by necessity but look ridiculous in the top-heavy skinny-legged outfits.  Basketball uniforms have changed considerably even since the 70s from the short shorts (ugh, who wants to see that?) to the obscenely long and baggy shorts, but they don’t do much for the men’s figures.  Finally, I just can’t stand the long tube socks making up the bulk of soccer and rugby uniforms.  I know, I know, baseballers wear some sort of them, too, but at least you don’t see their knees when they hike up their knickers. Thus, it looks like a continuous pant with a little flare at the knee.

I don’t know who came up with the knickers idea over 100 years ago, but it stuck for quite a while.  Not everyone does it, which makes me wonder why some players do or don’t do it.  But what’s even more interesting about today’s baseball uniform is the return of something around the neck.  The men used to actually wear bow ties or scarves.  Now they’re wearing necklaces of team colors and, I understand, the necklaces are supposed to have some sort of healing magnetic powers.  How 21^st century.

After my “aha” moment regarding baseball uniforms, I decided to find out what others saw attractive.  After a household poll, I found it is just a matter of taste.  As they say, whatever turns you on.